okeyday so basically i have no clue as to what is going on with anything. nothing at all.
its like i lost evertying near && dear to me. ive been on horriable ter,s with my step dad but that isnt any different just this time were not talking && havent in about 8 days now && i mean not talking i havent said a word to him && same with him but to me. but i think the most hurtful thing right now is that i basically lost the best friend i ever had && im still confuesed as to why or wtf i did. i know that i must have done something because thats usually how it is, i always fuck up. && this is with mostly everything i do. but anyway i dont know what todo or say, i mean it hurts like i lost a sister like it feels like she died && im tired of people dieing, i mean come on everyone knows she didnt die but that is what it feels like to me. all ive been doing all week is coming home eating because im upset && just crying. i mean i want so much as to talk to her but i cant, not because im scared or whatever peole will try to say its because i know i will say something stupid to get her even more madder at me && i dont need that or want it. i know that if we talked i would be the one to fuck up && say something that would make her mad, i just know that for a fact && lately thats all ive been doing with well, everybody.
theres so much i want to say but i just really cant find any words to say any of it. i mean i know everything i want to say but for one thing im not gonna post in on here so that somebody can read it then make up some more crap to get more people mad at me. i just wish that i could really just go back && change so much, it hurts for me to say this but i wish i could go back && change everything with my best friend, i wish that i would of never met her because as i can see shes more happy without me hanging around anyway && i want more then anything for the people i truely care about to be happy, i like making people happy even if it means that it makes my life suck. && i really do mean that i mean as much as i love && care about my best friend, she is basically like a sister to me but as much as i hate to say it the way i feel right now is that i wish i could just erease me from her memory because to me, && this is just the way that i feel, i feel that all i have done is been a stupid clinggy bitch to her && she doesnt need that. nobody needs that. i know that if she reads this that she sees what im saying && doesnt take any of it the wrong way because im not trying to say anything to hurt her. this is all me the way that i feel about things lately && i wish that i could just sit && tell her about everything && how i feel but i just cant do that because i know ill screw it up somehow.
now that i keep re-reading this i have all these memories like going threw my head about basically everything that me && chelsea have done,been threw, trips everything && it really hurts. i mean all the memorys make me to happy && i miss those times but i think what hurts me the most is that i have to start facing that it will never be that way agian. && the reason i say that is because i just have a feeling in the pit of my stomuch && its giving me that feeling && as much as i try to hide that && push it away && not beleive it it just keeps coming back && making me more && more upset. i mean ya know anyone that knows me, knows that i for one hate being upset, i hate people feelings sorry for me && they all know how much i care about chelsea. she is truely the sister i never had. && for me having to say all this it really takes a lot out of you, it hurts. i dont think theres anything more painful then having to relize seomthing like this && knowing that there gonna read it && either be really really pissed off or feel the way that i do. && agian im not trying to make you mad chelsea, i never intended for that EVER && i never would, but if your reading this i just want you to know that i really truely miss my best friend && if reading this makes you mad then please dont go tell everyone about it. i just want you to come up to me about it && talk && i know that i may not say much && do think thats because i dont care or whatever you think the reason is, its because i know the minute i open up my mouth ill say something that i wish i never said or something you might take the wrong way. all i want is for this to be back to teh way they used to be, thats all i really want && im starting to see now that i dont have a good chance with that happing just because im me && i suck with problems. i can help everyone with there problesm i love doing that but when it comes to a problem that i have, i go fucking clueless.
this has to be the longest post ive ever done
but it sorta make me feel better, just getting some things off my chest
&& for anyone reading this, dont post a comment saying how much you think that all i want is attention because i could care less about getting attention
this post makes me seem like a bitch but right now i dont care
call me what you want