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Smeared black ink, your palms are sweaty and I'm barely listening to last demands. I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where I am. I'll wear my badge. A vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest that tells your new friends: I am a visitor here I am not permanent. And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am. You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex. A stranger with your door key explaining that i'm just visiting and i am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.

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[ October 22nd 2006 & 8:43pm]
okaee so heres my dramaitic emo entry

i basically dont have a best friend anymore
we bearly talk && havent hung out sience summer
that really hurts on the insdie
going from like sisters && hanging out a lot alot to nothing
yah that really makes my day

the kid that i like likes a fucking shhhult
who gets a new boy toy every fucking week
i swear to god if i see them around eachother im just gonna lose it

everyone is pissed of at me for some unknown reason
&& im tired of everyone saying stuff about me that isnt true && ive never done anything to anyone

im tired of getting lied to, getting blown off and people looking at me like im a complete fool

i dont understand why all the shhulty bitchie fake girls get everything
why there lives are so great && how they have some may friends
what do i have to be a fake bitch to have people love me?

im dont sweat the small stuff
but this is just really gettung to me now && i dont understand why

i guess the saying that good guys finsh last
is really playing a part in my life
a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ October 10th 2006 & 11:19pm]
some things never change.
a stranger with 1 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ September 27th 2006 & 6:54pm]
[ mood | to many feelings go threw me ]

before anyone reads this, this is how i feel && i dont intend on making anyone mad

okeyday so basically i have no clue as to what is going on with anything. nothing at all.
its like i lost evertying near && dear to me. ive been on horriable ter,s with my step dad but that isnt any different just this time were not talking && havent in about 8 days now && i mean not talking i havent said a word to him && same with him but to me. but i think the most hurtful thing right now is that i basically lost the best friend i ever had && im still confuesed as to why or wtf i did. i know that i must have done something because thats usually how it is, i always fuck up. && this is with mostly everything i do. but anyway i dont know what todo or say, i mean it hurts like i lost a sister like it feels like she died && im tired of people dieing, i mean come on everyone knows she didnt die but that is what it feels like to me. all ive been doing all week is coming home eating because im upset && just crying. i mean i want so much as to talk to her but i cant, not because im scared or whatever peole will try to say its because i know i will say something stupid to get her even more madder at me && i dont need that or want it. i know that if we talked i would be the one to fuck up && say something that would make her mad, i just know that for a fact && lately thats all ive been doing with well, everybody.
theres so much i want to say but i just really cant find any words to say any of it. i mean i know everything i want to say but for one thing im not gonna post in on here so that somebody can read it then make up some more crap to get more people mad at me. i just wish that i could really just go back && change so much, it hurts for me to say this but i wish i could go back && change everything with my best friend, i wish that i would of never met her because as i can see shes more happy without me hanging around anyway && i want more then anything for the people i truely care about to be happy, i like making people happy even if it means that it makes my life suck. && i really do mean that i mean as much as i love && care about my best friend, she is basically like a sister to me but as much as i hate to say it the way i feel right now is that i wish i could just erease me from her memory because to me, && this is just the way that i feel, i feel that all i have done is been a stupid clinggy bitch to her && she doesnt need that. nobody needs that. i know that if she reads this that she sees what im saying && doesnt take any of it the wrong way because im not trying to say anything to hurt her. this is all me the way that i feel about things lately && i wish that i could just sit && tell her about everything && how i feel but i just cant do that because i know ill screw it up somehow.

now that i keep re-reading this i have all these memories like going threw my head about basically everything that me && chelsea have done,been threw, trips everything && it really hurts. i mean all the memorys make me to happy && i miss those times but i think what hurts me the most is that i have to start facing that it will never be that way agian. && the reason i say that is because i just have a feeling in the pit of my stomuch && its giving me that feeling && as much as i try to hide that && push it away && not beleive it it just keeps coming back && making me more && more upset. i mean ya know anyone that knows me, knows that i for one hate being upset, i hate people feelings sorry for me && they all know how much i care about chelsea. she is truely the sister i never had. && for me having to say all this it really takes a lot out of you, it hurts. i dont think theres anything more painful then having to relize seomthing like this && knowing that there gonna read it && either be really really pissed off or feel the way that i do. && agian im not trying to make you mad chelsea, i never intended for that EVER && i never would, but if your reading this i just want you to know that i really truely miss my best friend && if reading this makes you mad then please dont go tell everyone about it. i just want you to come up to me about it && talk && i know that i may not say much && do think thats because i dont care or whatever you think the reason is, its because i know the minute i open up my mouth ill say something that i wish i never said or something you might take the wrong way. all i want is for this to be back to teh way they used to be, thats all i really want && im starting to see now that i dont have a good chance with that happing just because im me && i suck with problems. i can help everyone with there problesm i love doing that but when it comes to a problem that i have, i go fucking clueless.

this has to be the longest post ive ever done
but it sorta make me feel better, just getting some things off my chest

&& for anyone reading this, dont post a comment saying how much you think that all i want is attention because i could care less about getting attention

this post makes me seem like a bitch but right now i dont care
call me what you want

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ August 30th 2006 & 8:50pm]
me: how are ya
matt: im good
matt: so i saw you today... lookin spiffy
matt: you seem to be doing fine with out me :'(
matt: it brings tears to y eyes too believe me
matt: actually i went to the schedual people and told them to put me in one with you... they said ok.... fucking empty promises

things are slowy going back to the old ways
&& i couldnt be happier
a stranger with 2 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ August 23rd 2006 & 9:18pm]
[ mood | happy ]

peace its catchy..


so this weekend is gonna be saweetsaweet [:

i never plan ahead but in this case i have haha
sunday me++chelsea are doing our hair extentions && job hunting
hahaha us on a job?

pishhh we saweet we saweet!!


a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ August 20th 2006 & 11:02am]
this weekend.
to sum it all up in one word...

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

gaygaygay [ August 17th 2006 & 11:39pm]
[ mood | tired ]

well today was just great.just wonderful.

school sucks more && more dick everyday.
i hate a-days, i dont get to see the one kid that i wish i could see anymore hes a senior now, i still like him, i hate a certian asshole ******* i would say his fagish name but i dont need anymore drama. i have enough for the next 20 years.

fletcher high is just one drama story after another.
&& bascially so is everything outsdie of school too.
thanks to an asshole who fucks up everything for me when i dont do shit to him but be nice && try to help him with his gay emo problems.

whatever im done.
i dont want to be nice old caring happyhappy mandie anymore
not right now.

all i want is to finnaly have that roof session with matt. the one we promised over summer && im still waiting for

if all works out ill be happy.
but by the looks of it now, wont be for a while.

okaee well im finshed here
with my emo entry

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ August 5th 2006 & 4:20pm]
[ mood | sad ]

R.I.P Mrs. Koch

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ July 31st 2006 & 2:49pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

okaee so i know i havent updated in a while haha but this morning my mom went && got my schedual changed && this is basically what i have

lib arts math-grossberg
personal fit-medlock [im getting out of this though]
algebra 1-olsen
2nd lunch
phychology 1-bridenback

earth/space sci-allen
spanish 1-croom
world history-bennett
1st lunch
english 2-duncan

yay! i get 2 math classes! im so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pishh yah right! im gonna fail them both AGIAN!
hahaha well that is my school life which will be apon all of us in like a week, sadly ]:

this summer was okeyday, last year was still my best && favorte summer

well im off to start painting the room im almost done with that but still needs a lot of work on other things

oh happy day livejournal

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

im the squrail lady [ July 19th 2006 & 2:08pm]

i feed squrails!!!
a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ June 26th 2006 & 11:43am]
[ mood | cheerful ]


i leave tommorrow && wont be back till july 14!
ill miss all the chicos [:

but i cant wait to leave i need to get away for a while

well im going to hit up kona
gonnna godo a little shredding
then beach with chelsea around like 4

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ June 24th 2006 & 7:48am]
[ mood | awake ]

okaee so its offically 7:48 am!
i got 2 hours of sleep! whoopwhoop!

its okeyday though because chelsea is coming over at 8 sience her dad wouldnt let her stay the night. so shes coming over early so it would be as if she did sleep over.

i cant wait for tommorrow though! or monday or tuesday. damn this week is going by
okaee tommororw is the sqone demo && thats gonna be sweet + i get to see akeem! haha
then afterwords im going to hang with mr mattiepants [: were having our roof night

monday me && brooke are beachin it


i leave on tuesday!

so yepyepyep its a pretty fulled up week but im excited!
hahaha i dont think ive seen myself so happy before
kinda makes you wanna go dance naked on the tables

a stranger with 2 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ June 22nd 2006 & 11:32pm]
[ mood | excited ]

so me && matt are back to the good old days [:

and man oh man am i so happy!
ive been waiting for a while we had some pretty bad times but im just really happy that they arent in the way anymore.

i cant wait till sunday night, matt && me are having a late night roof session [:
&& then i leave on tuesday! pretty intense week coming up.

i get to see my partner in crime tommorrow!!

finally some good things are coming threw

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ June 18th 2006 & 11:01pm]
[ mood | gay ]

so i was just informed that by my 2nd report card for this up && coming school year if i am failing any class by a D or F, then im moving down near the kenndy space center.

my fucking step dad has to get my mom to do anything he wants so they both aggreed to this shit and this is gay because i know i can't do that. thats even more pressure because i know that if i fuck up on one thing im gone. im fucking gone.

&& what is really messed up is that my mom made a promise to me that she would never move me away from my friends agian or anything, at least not until i graduite form high school, && now because of a fucking lazy fatass he has turned her mind into something she said she would never do to me.

well i better start hanging with a lot more of my friends because in about 7 months i wont have anything.

a stranger with 2 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ June 17th 2006 & 3:18pm]
[ mood | shocked ]

yes! im finally getting a vx1000

a stranger with 2 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

reports cards can SMD [ June 11th 2006 & 10:17pm]
[ mood | drained ]

yah so this has been the worst week/weekend in a long time.
alright so my mom got my report card && came to get me from kona && it was wayy early so i was lyke 'whattttttt' && on the way home i asked why she got me so early && she gave me my report card && i looked at it && i dont think it was that bad even though i failed math && my gpa is a 1.83 hahaha, well she didnt seem so mad about to but when i got home she told me step dad && thats when the shit hit the fan

so he looked at it && started screaming && yelling at me because he thinks i failed the entire 9th grade when in relatily i only failed math. he doesnt understand that im in 10th grade i just have one 9th grade math class. i dont see whats so hard to see about that. hes been such an asshole about it && bring it up with everything. he groudned me && i was suspposed to hang with matt that night which really upset me that i couldnt see him because i feel lyke were spreading apart

also because of that gay thing && all this other drama thats going on my summer has sucked so far. ive been the biggest emotional roller coster all week

whenever i try to talk to him about the report card && i try to explain to him that i DIDNT FAIL 9TH GRADE he looks off into space && ignores me && that really makes me mad so i start yelling && i get pissed because im sitting there trying to explain to him && hes just being gay so then he gets all mad && yells lyke a gorilla because that is excatly what he looks lyke then my eyes start feeling up with tears && i just get so mad && i lost it.

its the 3rd time in the past 2 days that ive cried infront of him

hes making this huge deal that i didnt try that i just goofed off && skiped that class everyday && now i cant goto see my family. i think that is fucking stupid && not fair at all. he had to get my mom to move down here to florida away from every single family member i have i had to leave everything && come here, i go there everysummer because my mom made a promise to my grandma that id be there every summer && now shes saying she never said that && blahblah, i dont care what anyone thinks i really love my grandma i can tell her anything && even if she doesnt agree with my choices she will stick up for me && is always there i can call her anytime of the day or night && she will try to help me && its just really hard because i only get to see her once a year && now because of my step dad hes making it really slim that i get to. hes making this stupid fucking report card crap so big way bigger then it is. i cant stand it i cant stand him or being around him anymore, he doesnt see thatt this was a really hard year for me, being a freshman does suck for the first couple weeks but then its okeyday but besides that this year was really hard i had a ton of stress that was just retared there was a lot more drama i though it would be behind all of us but no its with us && worse then ever, basicaly my best friend/kid (kyle) moved to ohio which really hurt because he was just the coolest kid ever && we hung out everyday went skating && just always had fun && i lost him && i still miss him everyday, some stupid ass nigga bitch had a hit && run on david && he died. theres a lot more but i dont want to get into anymore, im going to bed

goodnight livejournal

a stranger with 1 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ June 6th 2006 & 11:28pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

so i got the report card today


looks to me as ill be a freshmore next year
actually i dont know one kiddo who passed every single class!

my day was uber sucky
i was susposed togo to the beach && hangout with matt
but nooo nish had to be a dick && said im grounded because i have an F in math
that fagget couldnt even answer one problem from my mathbook let alone any problem
redneck asshole!



a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ June 5th 2006 & 1:12pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

she is sickkk


i hope you feel better lovely!

we need to hang out as soon as your all better



a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

[ May 30th 2006 & 1:37pm]
[ mood | determined ]

last night was one of the best nights ive had in a while. it started out that i didnt think i was gonna be able to see the one person that makes me so happy, but in the end it was a happy ending. okaee so this is how it went. i was at the beach all day && it was just a boreing day so when i got home i looked at my phone because i forgot it && i missed some calls && when i looked i never though id see matt on there so i called him back && he wanted to know if i could hang out so i asked my mom && she was lyke 'no not tonight blahblah' so i told him id call him back. so after that i got my little brother to beg my mom to take him fishing at the beaach with his friend && she said sure so there was my ticket, so i called matt back && told him im going to the beach && he said good we'll meet up. so i got ready && changed outta the bathing suit && we were off to the pier. when we got there i ccalled matt to make sure he was still coming && he said 'he had no way of getting there, no ride but he will try to find one then call me back' so i waited. i was starting to worry because it was around 8 30 && my mom wanted to leave. my brother friend shara had togo pee so i walked around with her to find an open bathroom. hahah took us a while because everything was closed but we finally went to burger king && they had one she could use so it was okeyday. on our way walking back i saw andrew, he was in a car && yelled my name. hahaah, so we get back to the pier && my mom was lyke 'im cold i wanna go home' so i told her to hang on && i was gonna call matt to tell him not to worry about coming down because im leaving, so i called him && he said he was near the pier && stole a bike to get there. haha well i made my mom wait till he got there so i made my brother go fish some more. after about 15 minutes matt calls && asks where i am so i got up to the front of the pier && he comes on his new bike! hahha i was so happy to see him because it didnt seem lyke we were gonna be able to hang out. so my mom went to the car && packed up with my brother && his friend && i talked to matt && he wanted to know if i could stay && hang out so i went to ask && after a battle with the mom she said yes && i got to stay. me && matt went && sat on the wood things trying to think of something todo. it was wife beater central down at the beach. fo realllll. matt came up with a plan, we were going back to his house to watch hostal. i never saw it so we went to watch it. he toed me back to his house && hahaha we were getting stalked by these 2 people on bikes so we ditched them && then stalked them. it was hard because out bike kept makin noises so we couldnt do a sneak attack hahah well we went back to his house in dissapoinment, not rreally. so we get insdie && we couldnt find a movie to watch. he didnt wanna watch hostal anymore so we picked super troopers. haha i love that movie. so we sat on the couch && watched it && played with my dead hair. hahha && with tink! shes a sweetie. my mom called && said she was on her way just when we were starting to get comphy, so we got up && went outside. i didnt wanna leave yet so we went on his roof! hahaha i think that was my favorite part of the night. that && getting down =]]
well the roof part sure did make my night =] i dont think ive seen myself so happy.
well im off to get some new shoes

a stranger with 5 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

Spring Fling [ April 1st 2006 & 9:35pm]
[ mood | afhbnagjtyietngq ]

today was kona's spring fling. it was saweetsaweet. met up with andrew && watched the 8-12 division. did some skating then saw andy,dillion,nolan,nolan g,my jeffy boy,zach,mike,steve,matt,nick && some other kids. it was coolcoolcool! a lot of kids kickfliped or trefliped the step up. i saw lyke everyother kid try it, some landed && rode away while others ate shitt. me && andrew got FARMERS TANS! hahaha yes! during the 13-15 division carly && brittany came! it was coolcool. jeff was acting differently. lyke, i cant really describe the way he was but it just wanst him. we sat at te bleachers in front of chelsea lau's mom [i think that was who it was] && carly && me saw a really hawt kid && he had tigher then tight pants on. it was lyke someone spray painited the on him. hahahaha. i had to leave early because nish is a fagget so i didn't get to see the sponcered division, that pissed me off, thats all i wanted to see anyway.

i cant wait till the halloween am jam. ill be compeating in this contest.!

a stranger with 0 door keys explaining that i'm just visiting

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